Monthly Archives: January 2013

Reinvention of a Lady

IMG_2601

When we moved into that little bungalow back in the middle 1980s, I remarked to my mother that our new attic would be altogether perfect if it had a dressmaker’s form and a birdcage. Because that’s what storybook attics have, right? On her following visit to Chicago, Miss Gigi happily handed me her very own, dusty, rusty — but still trim — dress dummy. (You never saw a husband so happy as mine, lugging that lavender beauty and her cobwebs into our already crowded attic. He loves me.)

We lived with a walk-up attic for only 10 years. Since then, our homes have all had crawl-space attics.  No place for a lady. So for 20 years, she has been perfectly postured in basement corners, doing what she does best: spooking small children and protecting baby spiders.

This afternoon, I was looking online at solutions for organizing bracelets, necklaces, pins, and earrings. Because I’ve recently pledged to be more accessorized. I have accessories, but they’re kind of out-of-sight-out-of-mind. So in my self-inflicted morning dash, I do not take time to hunt down Aunt Rowena’s silver pin of acorns and oak leaves that would be so right with my sweater. Isn’t that a pity? But how are 80 vinyl pockets on a hanger in my closet going to remind me to choose a cool pair of dangly earrings on my way downstairs? They’d still be out of sight, right?

Look who had the answer. I’m sure I’ve seen something like this in an antique shop somewhere, but isn’t she darling? Around her waist is a vintage measuring tape from Vivian’s sewing basket. And if I actually owned any stick pins or hat pins, I’d store them in that cute lil mater cushion.

IMG_2603

You know what they say. It is never too late to reinvent yourself.

My House Smells Really Good Right Now

IMG_2595

I read a few foodie blogs during the week. Smitten Kitchen, Skinnytaste, Serious Eats, Pioneer Woman. New to me is Food52. A few days ago, Food52 linked to a recipe that looked like my pantry checklist. How often can you say that you have all of these in your cupboard or fridge, all at the same time? Buttermilk, sorghum, dark beer, ginger, brown sugar, Coleman’s dry mustard. Cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, pepper, coriander. Flour, eggs, oil. Chocolate.

My thinking is that if the gods give you a cake recipe that includes stuff like buttermilk, sorghum, and dark beer, AND YOU HAVE IT, you must bake. Behold. And Google.

IMG_2596

Treason

Screen shot 2013-01-23 at 12.32.19 PM

In 1985, Bill’s parents brought home this expensive new Weight Talker talking bathroom scale, and proudly placed in in their sole bathroom at the top of the stairs. They thought it was grand. They wouldn’t ever again have to find their eyeglasses in order to read the scale.

Here’s how it worked: First, you pushed one of the five buttons that you’d claimed as yours. In a robotic male voice, the scale greeted you with “Good morning,” regardless of the time of day, then it politely requested you to “Please step on the scale.” It then broadcast your weight, and THEN told you how much weight you’d gained (or less likely, lost). And always finished with “Have a nice day.” Right. You’ve just called me a fatso, and now you think I’m going to have a nice day?

Anyway.

Ginger was three years old, when Big Mouth moved into her grandparents’ bathroom. One Sunday evening, we were all enjoying drinks in the living room before supper, when we heard GOOD MORNING. PLEASE STEP ON THE SCALE. YOU WEIGH 27 POUNDS. YOU HAVE LOST 135 POUNDS SINCE THE LAST TIME. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Bill’s parents about died. It had not occurred to them that their talking scale could give up their secrets with zero remorse. And that you could hear it from every room in the house, including the basement, because it echoed down the laundry chute.

The traitor was allowed to stay, but with greatly reduced privileges. It was only allowed to weigh grandchildren, pets, and the occasional unsuspecting (and mortified) house guest.

Maria Goes to the Mall

Screen shot 2013-01-21 at 12.15.02 PM

Our friend Maria told this story on herself a few months ago, while a bunch of us were sitting around discussing the movie, Lincoln, which we’d just seen. I wish you could have been there for the original telling, because Maria’s expressive nature steals the show every time. She’s this innocently hilarious cross between Lucy and a young Debra Winger. And she has given me carte blanche permission to write about her on this site. In fact, her husband recently commented that he was surprised not to have read this story. I assured him that I was just waiting for the right moment.

On the news this morning, while they were showing Inauguration Day preparations, I heard the words, “Here’s a view of the National Mall….” And I knew the time had come. Please enjoy.

When they were in their late 20’s, Maria and her sister Angie visited Washington, DC. Being a schoolteacher, Angie was particularly driven to see all the monuments and museums, and to take all the tours. Sadly, Angie wasn’t prepared for so much walking, and hadn’t brought the right shoes. As they were resting near the reflecting pool, Maria — the take-charge, problem-solving girl that she is — declared that they should just go to the mall and buy Angie a better pair of walking shoes.

“What mall?” asked Angie.

“I don’t know what mall it is, but it is right around here somewhere. Everybody’s talking about it.”

Gotta love her.

Erratum

Screen Shot 2013-01-19 at 1.51.45 PM

On more than one occasion, I’ve heard my husband wisecrack to my listeners, “She sure doesn’t let the facts get in the way of a good story.” But I swear that was not the case in my last ginnygram about the dread lifeguarding tests.

Friends, my reality is rocking, and not in a good way.

I have just learned that Julie did pass her test that spring day back in 1968.

Wow.

That’s like finding out that you were separated from a twin at birth. Or that your father is really a handsome secret agent, and not a dorky computer salesman. Or that your husband isn’t actually allergic to cats. He just says he is, so you can’t keep the stray, half-frozen kitten that you named Millie, short for Millennium, because it was January 2, 2000.

So.

Will I change my last ginnygram to speak the truth? I think I’ll leave it alone for now, as if it were published in an immutable form, and hope that readers find this “errata sheet.” And by doing so, Julie’s reputation as an able lifeguard will be restored.

And will I change my evil storytelling ways? What do you think?

Teamwork

IMG_2584*

I suppose this story began to take its shape late in the spring of 1968, which would have made Melissa and me 10, and Melissa’s big sister, Julie, 15 or 16. I forget how much older than us Julie was (is), but she had a princess telephone in her bedroom, a boyfriend, and makeup. And she was old enough to be taking the lifeguarding test at the Country Club.

Well, Melissa and I were plinking out “Heart and Soul” on the yellow-painted upright grand piano in her mama’s kitchen. Dottie herself was smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee from a Louisville Stoneware cup (if memory really does serve), with her teeny feet in penny loafers propped up on the trestle table. When BAM! slammed the screen-porch door and into the kitchen stomped a red-faced, still-damp Julie.

It was a good thing that Julie was Raised to Be a Lady, because if she had not, I wouldn’t be able to write exactly what she said. Thankfully, her brief but furious detailing of the lifeguarding test went like this: “NO I DID NOT PASS THE TEST BECAUSE COACH LAWSON WAS THE VICTIM AND HE TRIED TO DROWN ME!” And then she was gone, up to her room, to put on makeup and talk to her boyfriend on her princess phone.

In Julie’s defense, Coach Sig Lawson was a very big, very strong man. In a small town like Danville, Kentucky, Sig Lawson was a person of note. He coached the Centre College swim team and football team until 1976. And then he went on down to Austin College in Texas.

Let’s fast-forward to late spring 1979 — Centre’s Graduation Week — when it was my turn to take the lifeguarding test, so I could  take a summer job at the Centre pool. I had completed Lifesaving and Water Safety Instruction. I knew what I was doing, but nevertheless, it was a test, and I was nervous. In my own mother’s kitchen, I got a good-luck squeeze from Miss Gigi, and she made me laugh by saying, “Well, at least Sig Lawson isn’t here any more.”

Oh-ho! My Mama really said that? Yes, she did. And you know what happens next, right?

So I was sitting on the edge of the pool with the rest of my lifeguarding class, feet in the water, waiting for our instructor, Ms. Bunnell and her clipboard to get the darn test started. Ms. Bunnell was always cheerful, but this day she was positively bouncy. “Guess what! We have a guest today! Coach Sig Lawson is back to see his seniors graduate, and he has graciously agreed to be our victim!”

Yes, he tried to drown me. We rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled, but just when I thought he’d gotten the best of me, I summoned Julie. And this time, she was not a Lady. She and I punched Sig Lawson in the throat, and gasped, “I…am…tryin’…to…save…your…life!” Then he let me cross-chest carry him to the edge of the pool and drag his horse-size torso onto the deck.

I did pass the test. But, Julie, I couldn’t have done it without you.

*I snapped these images of Coach Sylvan “Sig” Lawson from the the 1976 Centre College yearbook. He’s the big one.

Beauty, Beheld

Screen Shot 2013-01-12 at 11.31.56 PM

You can’t even hardly see it now, but it kept me from being Miss America: A one-inch scar on my right knee.

Back in 1967, my little brother Bucky and I were horsing around on Granddaddy’s burn chimney-pit-rock-pile, and I slipped and fell and cut open my right knee real good. I was pretty sure it needed stitches (it didn’t), and I insisted that I shouldn’t go to my piano lesson (I did).

But the gash was ugly. So ugly, that I sniffled, “Now I can’t be Miss America.” Because I was no longer perfect.

Every year, when I watch the Miss America pageant, I smile and silently thank Bucky for his sweet words: “Well, I’d vote for you.”